We need to talk about shame

With all its yucky uncomfortableness.

Unless you have no compassion or empathy, you will have experienced shame at some point. If you are anything like me, you feel a lot of shame, possibly unnecessarily. 

Merriam-Webster defines the definition as “a painful emotion caused by having done something wrong or improper.” I found this interesting because I often feel shame when I haven’t done anything wrong; it’s more about worrying that someone thinks I’ve done something wrong, which is not quite the same. I would have thought this sensation described would be closer to guilt. Alternatively, Scientific American describes it as “the uncomfortable sensation we feel in the pit of our stomach when it seems we have no safe haven from the judging gaze of others.” This explanation fits better with how I experience it.

Shame and judgement

The sensation of shame is linked to the fear of being judged. These negative connotations make me question if shame has any purpose in the human world. Think of the word and what it conjures up for you. Where do you feel it? It makes me want to run away, meaning I am entering my primitive brain of fight, flight or fawn state. Ideally, we want to be in our rest and digest state and save the other for when there is a real threat. The apparent stress shame causes may demonstrate that it’s not a very useful emotion. 

Shame is different to guilt.

So what is it?

Listening to a BBC Outlook podcast recently, I heard a lady describe shame as low esteem. She argues that when you feel shame, you don’t have an explanation for it. She also claims it differs from guilt, as guilt is felt when you have done something wrong. This, for me, is one of the best explanations I’ve found. It finally makes sense of what I couldn’t make sense of! However, it still begs the question: Why do we feel so much of it? Where is it coming from?

Shame is such a vast topic that I could spend hours researching and writing about it. For now, I will close. In my next blog on shame, I will explore its purpose and whether it plays a valuable role in society. Does its purpose become more useful when used in an actual threat-to-life situation? If so, does that render it obsolete in modern society?

So many questions! I look forward to sharing some possible answers soon.

Shame plays a huge role in my new book, Reticence. Click on this link to find out more and purchase your copy below: https://meleleeder.com/reticence/